I wasn’t on Facebook before adopting. I didn’t incessantly check my email for some sort of possible notification about our sons….maybe we have advanced a step, maybe there is a new picture, maybe some sort of update. But, if you ask any mother adopting internationally at least, this will be a new bad habit she can’t seem to break. I honestly don’t enjoy Facebook most of the time. Most of the time Facebook just makes me feel like I am a really crappy mom. Hmmm….I guess I thought it was ok for my kids to play in the backyard with one another while I made spaghetti. But, Facebook makes me think I should have taken them to 10 lessons, a water park and fed them something that was perhaps healthier than spaghetti. But, honestly Facebook has saved my rear-end when it comes to adoption. First, for encouragement from you all and for our fund raising. It is not that my non-cyber, non internationally adopting friends don’t care, they do. But, this journey of adoption is and has been one that only incites any other emotions already going on in this pre-menopausal body. And the others that are adopting, especially in the wait from Haiti, are the only ones that TRULY understand. So, take your normal weepiness from just the normal monthly injection of hormones and add to it that you drive through Toledo after your zoo trip with your ( oh my word I can’t believe she is almost done with Kindergarten) 6 year old) And you see the sign that says Toledo and you think of your 21 and ½ year old son who you wish you could stop by and say Hi to, but then you remember that he is at his co-op in Bowling Green, and besides you are terrible with directions anyway and would get lost, and the tears begin. Then, you come home and think about the fact that your 17 year old will be a senior next year, more tears. Your 13 almost 14 year old son walks in from his mowing job explaining to you how much he will earn by his junior year and you think of the fact that he has only one more year in middle school! Ok, get the point?
Today is our 8 month mark. Our prayer and hope that our sons will be home in 8 months. Honestly, I am emotionally exhausted. I think Kaiti said it best one night, she basically summed it up saying I just wish they could come home so our life could go on and we wouldn’t have to be waiting anymore.
I am so excited to see them in July. But, I am so unexcited to leave them. I am feeling more peace about leaving Ella…but never thrilled to be gone from any of my children. I don’t know how to explain what God does in a mother’s heart, but boy he has these eleven blessings and their daddy embedded in my heart, knotted down with special indestructible string that can never be unsewn. Not to mention our four glory babies that I especially think about this time of year since two of my miscarriages occurred right around the end of the school year. My love for them honestly has no bounds. This is a love God has given me for them I know. Yesterday, I heard someone explaining how the kindergarden field trip was supposed to be a special time to bond with your child and siblings shouldn’t be brought, since my 3 year old also came, I am one of the “guilty” parties in question, I thought. Hmmm. …what does family mean anymore? Seriously, Ally Grace had nearly 365 days times 6 years with me for 24-7, less two weeks in Haiti. I want to say, she honestly could have cared less that her little sister was there or not, as long as I let her hang out with her special friend, Alexis. She was happy. I repeatedly heard, thanks so much for coming to the zoo mom, thanks so much for the best day ever. Grandma joined us, I think it was ok that little sis came, I don’t think one day she will hold it against me that her little sister came. In a bigger family that is part of life.
So, apparently today my blog is a vent. Maybe we all need that sometimes. Perhaps we need to think through some things out loud.
I am blown away by the grace of our Father. I have more daily realized just how quickly I fail him. And yet, it seems it is my very neediness and helplessness that has opened that door for Him to come in. I close with an amazing quote from a book I just read entitled Prayer by O. Hallesby. I inter library loaned it but I will be definitely buying this book. Copyright 1931.
“To pray is to open the door unto Jesus and admit Him into your distress. Your helplessness is the very thing which opens wide the door unto Him and gives Him access to all your needs. But why doesn’t He answer me? You ask perplexed. He has entered into your life, through the door which you in your helplessness have opened for Him. He is already dwelling in your heart. He is doing the good work within you. As yet you have not really understood His answer. But in this respect you are like all the rest of us who pray. We pray, and our prayers are answered; but we do not see the answer immediately, often not until a long time afterward. You have imagined that you would receive an answer from God according to your own thinking, and that you would receive either peace, assurance or joy in your soul. Not receiving these things you thought that God had not answered you. Jesus has many things to tell us and much to accomplish within us which we do not understand at the time. We are impatient and think that He ought to do something else for us or say something else to us than what he does. Just as Peter did when Jesus washed the disciples ’feet (John 13:1-10) But Jesus does not permit Himself to be disturbed by our impatience. He proceeds calmly, saying, “what I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt understand hereafter .”John 13;7
Be not anxious because of your helplessness.. Above all, do not let it prevent you from praying, Helplessness is the real secret and impelling power of prayer. You should therefore rather try to thank God for the feeling of helplessness which he has given you. It is one of the greatest gifts which God can impart to us. For it is only when we are helpless that we open our hearts to Jesus and let Him help us in our distress, according to His grace and mercy. Form the heavenly perspective many things look different that they do here on earth. I think that our prayers, too look different when viewed from above.
And lastly I close with this song that has been such a blessing to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs
Michelle and family