Two years ago this month we first said yes to four boys from Haiti, at that time the information said they were 10, 6,5 and 3…but they had all just had birthdays since, so they were actually 11,7,6 and 4. Now they are 13, 9, 8 and 6. I never imagined still being a year away from bringing them home. In some ways I know that with all that is going on in the world this is small peanuts. But, you know they are what God has given us, they are our peanuts. So we each have our part to do in this world and this is what He has asked us to do. We aren’t doing it because it is the new cool thing to do. We aren’t doing it because someone else did or someone told us to. We are doing it because this is God’s plan and He is allowing us to be part of it. And so these days of waiting are making us strong in a way that we will need when they are here. Yesterday’s Jesus calling devotional talked about how in seeking Him there are days that a fog settles in front of the path ahead and “You can see only a few steps in front of you, so turn your attention more fully to Me and begin to enjoy my presence.” The devotional goes on to say, “The fog is a protection for you, calling you back into the present moment. Although I inhabit all of space and time, you can communicate with Me only here and now. Someday the fog will no longer be necessary, for you will have learned to keep your focus on Me and on the path just ahead of you.” I could so relate to this. There are days where it feels like I have two lives. My days here are filled with the beautiful children the Lord has blessed us with and a Goldy husband who works so hard at his calling of teaching. These days I just treasure as I see the children off to school and try to sneak in some time with the Lord before Ella awakens. Enjoying the amazing weather to jog and play outside with Ella pretending I am a dog as she breaks up leaves for my food, building sand castles, making homemade play doh ,and reading the same Dora book for the 100th time! All of this knowing how fast the days go. Remembering moments with each child like this and knowing how quickly the time passes like sand through my hands. As I seek Him I feel His peace and trust His ways and pour into each life in this home, beyond thankful for the wisdom He blesses us with. Seeing what is true and real and what lasts forever. Watching each child grow and mature and become the person God has designed them to be.
But then there are days like today where I am forced to remember that our family is not complete yet. That four other boys need to hear mama loves you, be read to, be tickled, be pushed on the swing, be listened to, be held, be fed, help me make cookies, and they are not here. Their birthdays are hard. Today is J’s birthday. He turns 8 today. Somehow these days seem like days they should be home for some reason. I can picture him laying in the metal bottom bunk at the orphanage with his little brother the other way, laying on the dark grey blanket that is spread across their bed for its covering. I am sure they are tuckered out tonight after a day at school and hiking to and from school. And I know he is probably ok. But, I want for him to be more than ok. I want him to feel amazingly, remarkable loved and part of a family.
And then it hits me. Jesus says to my soul, this is what I want for you. Michelle, I want you to feel more than ok. I want you to feel amazingly and remarkably loved by me! Do you? It is not a love you can earn. Our boys cannot earn this love from us. Our bio kids cannot earn this love from us. It is there from the start. Of course, our love fails, our love is human. God’s love does not fail. We often try to put humanness to God’s love. We try to understand Him according to our own love dials. His love dial is so far from ours it is a joke. I know I am so far from really understanding how great his love is for me. Right now all I can understand is much like my boys probably do, please “do” this for me. God, please work in the adoption. God please help me in this way, in that way….do.. do.. do… His love surpasses our understanding. And the more I come to know of Him and His love the more I realize how far I fall short and can see all my sins the more. And He still tells me, Michelle, remember I love you. I realize how too often I settle for “ok”. I settle for not really grasping His unchanging, infinite love for me. I realize this as lately I have listened to the voices in my head constantly telling me all the ways I do not measure up. You are too this, you are too that. You messed up this, you messed up that. I am sorry Lord. I don’t want these voices to transfer to those I love. Please help me to really accept your love for me, just as I am. Just as I am, without one plea, but that Thy blood was shed for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I know we need to ask….He tells us that. But, sometimes I think I just need to let Him love me too. So I can just love those He has given me to love, just as they are.