So, this blog is for me a place that at times I feel the Lord calling me to share my heart, to share what He is doing in my walk with Him. Sometimes that is difficult, because in reality it means being vulnerable and oftentimes real. So, it is here that I obey Him and share.
A few days before we received our official referral, I felt the Lord speak to my soul that once we received our referral that difficult trial of waiting would be over and there would be great joy, but at the same time a new one would begin. These trials we face are part of our humanness, part of our needing Him, part of our cross-carrying.
Many of you who know me well, know that the longest I have left any of our children is for the few days I am in the hospital having their brother or sister. And even then, they could usually come to visit me. So, the reality of being gone from our children for two weeks is one that I really have not been able to think about too much. It has been especially a challenge since Ella, who is almost 2, cannot go now, when she originally might have been able to since she was solely nursing. While we feel perfect peace re; this decision, and this news came on a day that the Lord had called me to pray and fast, thus giving me perfect clarity in it,but it has been hard. It is a strange feeling to have this jumping for joy as high as you can jump joy that I FINALLY get to meet our sons, yet this achiness in leaving my baby who still nurses to sleep. And yet as I felt myself complaining to the Lord about this less than ideal reality, He gently prodded me saying, yes, this is not ideal, but neither is the fact that there are orphans with no mother or father. And so, with that I pray and ask for God to work in amazing ways to bless our children while we are gone. Thanks to all those who have made donations and are making meals. Thank you to Grandma’s and Aunts who are stepping in to help and especially to Abi and Kaiti who will bear the brunt of the workload and meeting Ella’s needs as she misses mommy. I of course feel that all the children will miss us some, just her in a more tangible, immediate way due to her age and used to being with me all the time.
And so tonight I found a suitable quote while reading one of CS Lewis’ books that has seemed to match my current situation. CS Lewis in Mere Christianity says this:
The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says “Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.”
And so I take my preconceived ideas of what motherhood should be and must now die to them to a certain extent in my trust that we KNOW he has lead us to these four precious boys. I must know that He has asked us to leave our seven here, and to go forward in prayer and hope to this next step of making these four boys part of our family forever. It has been with great joy that I have been packing things for us to do with them, one of my favorites being a new soccer ball for each, complete with goalie gloves and my very best favorite,( that sounds like Junie B. Jones), a Jesus Loves my Storybook Bible in Creole!
In closing, we do covet your prayers for:
- Safe travel and timely flights
- Good health for our children at home in Michigan and in Haiti and for us
- Guidance in each day while we are there in spending time with them
- For Ella and Ally especially to do well while we are gone
- Strength for all helping to take care of our children here
- The Holy Spirit would guide and direct
- God would be glorified, Jesus held up high and honored
And so I close with this quote: Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in his seminal work, The Cost of Discipleship, “When Christ calls a man he bids him come and die.” Those who come and die—who say no to self and yes to Jesus—experience real life now and forever.
Blessings In Christ,
Michelle and Family 🙂