When Ella gets sick with a runny nose she can’t blow her nose sufficiently yet to clear her nose to nurse. So, I have to clean her nose out with the “snot sucker.” This is a strange little device that works so wonderfully I will purchase one as a gift for each of my children when they have their first babies. (Thanks Erica Kranz for telling me about this beauty!) The interesting thing about this “tool” is that the mom is actually the one who sucks out the snot. Now, before you are grossed out, it does not go in the mom’s mouth, I have never sucked in the snot. But, I will tell you Ella hates it! I have to pin her down real good for it to be effective. But, it works and when she is sick I must do this several times a day. I hate it too, because it makes her cry. But, then she can breathe free and nurse and I think it has helped get the snot out to prevent ear infections.
All this to say, I feel as though God is sucking my snot out right now. Yesterday there were three referrals from our orphanage and that added with the one from May, the month of July is already full for socialization visits. While I am supposed to rejoice with those who rejoice, I am struggling greatly. I should be happy that there is movement, but feel the depths of my selfishness and sin in wanting it to be us that got the referral. I want our boys to know there is a family that loves them and desires them. One of our boys recently celebrated a birthday, this was a hard day too. My faith and understanding of God’s plan in all this waiting is weak. It seems with the cross comes more confusion. Instead of a perfectly mapped out life, the cross entails pain, more pain than you bargained for. Choosing to love has created hurt in my life and exposed the many gaps in my faith and trust in the Lord. It seems easy to trust in the father’s love when all is well, but not when He is sucking snot out. Right now His rod and staff aren’t comforting me, they are creating anger within my heart. Sometimes it feels I have lost the boys, I feel I have lost my faith, I run to Him. Even yesterday I struggled and sat it my lawn and found great comfort in Psalm22 and felt better. Then upon returning from our walk, found out about all the referrals. Our boys that were going to be home by Christmas of 2014, are still not even knowing what we look like. You know, it would be easier not to love, really, it would. I just want to go back to my other life, before all the snot came. Maybe before I didn’t know I had so much snot that needed cleaned out. I really don’t think Ella understands her need to have her snot out. Sometimes she runs away from me as she sees me with the dumb thing, that is what I am doing with God. I want to run away from Him, but then I realize I can’t. I can’t breathe without Him. I can’t move one muscle without His Spirit to strengthen my frame. How is it that this trial creates so much anger in me and then like Ella I collapse into his arms with no place else to go. I am sorry Lord, forgive me for being so mad at you. Forgive me for not trusting your timing, but since you know my heart anyway, you know how hurt I am. I am tired and weary. So it is that I am ready to be done with the snot sucker in this trial, Lord. The above song is one that Abi sent me last night, along with hugs from Ally, Ella, and fresh picked wild flowers from Kaiti. Sometimes we need a Jesus with skin on.
Prayers coveted. Abi also sent me several quotes, this was one of them.