Accepting His love

We are supposed to love one another as we love ourselves.  It seems a fairly simple task until one realizes that maybe we haven’t loved ourselves or seen ourselves as God sees us.  For most of my life as a Christian I said that I was loved by God, but in actuality lived my life as if my love was dependent on my obedience and my works.  This system falls apart when we are confronted with our failures and our falling down.  When my false self that has been built up through the years gets broken, I then must begin anew to find myself loved as I am and to recognize all that I have been looking for all along has been there waiting for me.

Romans 12:3 says it so well from the Message:

The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

So what happens when we see our failures, mistakes and wounds?  It is important that we recognize that our ego wants to rejects any notion of wounding.  But, the message Jesus has brought us is not like that.

Richard Rohr says, “We’ve always had trouble with the fly in the ointment, the doctrine of the cross, we don’t like wounded things, we don’t like broken things, which means we don’t like ourselves.  And Jesus comes in the form of a wounded one.”

Ruptures in our lives are painful.  Ruptures come in many forms, each different for each person.  How and when they come it does not matter, but they will come.  It is hard to be wounded. It is hard to have others see you falling down.  But, if we don’t fall down we will never know how to help others up when they fall down.  We can never become a wounded healer as Henri Nouwen so aptly puts it.  Can I in my wounded state, “radically accept being radically accepted?”  Richard Rohr.  “Can I let God give himself to me?” R. Rohr.  Wounds and all?  Can I let him see my wounds?  Funny, Thomas needed to see Jesus wounds.  Jesus had no problem showing him his wounds.

El Roi, the God who sees.  He sees us.  He sees our pain.  He sees our wounds.  He sees our falling down….and He loves us right there in it.

Grace and Peace,

Michelle Dee



To my readers:

Thank you so much for all your support these past years through the journey of our adoption.  It has meant so very much.  I am just writing to let you know that other than our annual Christmas letter, this blog post will now become a place I share my own personal journey and thoughts and writings instead of updates on the adoption and family in general.

I write this in case you would like to sign off now.

It is my desire to be able to be honest and authentic about life in general and the Spiritual Journey.

I am pre-posting this before I begin so you have a chance to say adios if you would like.  I know if I am following a blog post for one reason and it changes completely, it is nice to know.

Grace and Peace,


God’s Death

You love me as I am.

You love me as I fail.

You love me as I hurt.

You love me as I fall.

You love me as I get back up.

You love me…before I return home.

I don’t have to know the answer why…..

I don’t have to fit them in

An explainable box…

I can allow You to be infinite…

And me to be finite…

The answer does not have to be polished and succinct…

it very well must not be.

The answer is more likely dark, with rough, sharp edges….

The feeling is one of wariness and doubt…

This is God?

But I cannot see You now.

I cannot feel You now.

Where are You?

You didn’t see my valiant effort to obey?

You seem to be applauding as I am falling?

That isn’t how it supposed to work.

Look at them…they say… it is a formula that works…..

Out….obey equals blessing?

But I find obeying equals a cross,

death, doubt, fear….

Some days I find You in the middle of that


in that falling,

in that fear,

in that anger,

in that pain,

in the cussing,

I find You.

You came as one of us….and You fell under the

weight of your cross….

You cried out to God,

God crying out to God,

“Why have you forsaken me?”,





left alone,

no comforts,





“Get off that cross.”

They could not see God had to die.


“Love is what we have to give, and love comes from places that are vulnerable and soft and tender enough to feel—to break.”

“Only those who are vulnerable enough to be broken get to be the ones who really love.  It can be that when you feel broken, it’s proof that you’ve given.  Is there anything greater than living heartbroken, wiped open and given? “ Ann Voskamp


Personally, I daily need reminders from great writers like Ann.  I need reminders that go against the grain of society’s values.  I need reminders of who Jesus spent time with:  the broken, the hurting, the ones nobody wanted.  Most likely following Jesus will be swimming upstream against the popular culture.  Most likely following Jesus will have a cost involved.  Somehow I need reminded that my value comes not from what the world values: look good, be good at things, outdo your neighbor, have a sweet house.  It is loving.  Just plain, simple, pure loving.  Especially loving those that don’t measure up in the world’s eyes.

“Sometime we want to possess lovely things because we don’t know what love is.”  Ann Voskamp

Why is it that we think something lovely will make everything better?  We think that a certain renovation to our home, a certain outfit, a certain new comforter, a new painting, a new phone, these will complete us.  But, then the newness wears off and we are left wanting the next new thing.  I walk into a store and see all of these cool things, but somehow remember it will wear off.  This quote from Ann Voskamp put it so absolutely amazingly:

“When you know love is about self-giving, then maybe the loveliest things are not about self-having.”

Giveness in love, means inevitable brokenness, which leads to our need of Jesus, which is the very best gift. I am sorry, but this is completely counter cultural.  Every single day we are bombarded with the messages of having more, doing more, more, more, more.  I have a new hobby:  getting rid of things.  It is absolutely freeing!  Try it!  🙂

And a profound question she poses in her book, The Way of Abundance,

“What do you want your one life to really be about?”  What you really want is what you most love, and what you love is what you’ll have for all eternity. “

When we began the process of adoption, we were often met with questions of the financial cost.  In refinancing our home to help pay for the first big fee, we felt complete peace.  Peace that did not have a price.  I know that many would have been so supportive had we decided instead of adopting to upgrade our home.  That would have been a wise investment;  in the world’s eyes.  Four boys now have a forever home.  Some days I don’t know how we made it through all the hard steps, but somehow He helped us make it through.  He will help us make it through each hard part of this journey.

“God does not call you to a convenient life; He calls you to an important life.  And a life of importance isn’t found in a life of convenience.” Ann Voskamp

Please know that the call of Jesus on your life is a radical one.  It will not feel comfortable.  It will not be easy or convenient, but it will be full of absolute purpose: purposes that line up with the very life of Jesus himself.  Read the gospels.  Read the words in red and read the words in green,  the things Jesus did.

Isaiah 58

“Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.

Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.”


The foster child, the homeless, the refugee, the abused, the beaten down, the broken and busted in this world……they are Jesus.  Will you feed them?  Will you help them?  Or will your one life be about your storing up beautiful things?  Will your one life be about you, you and only your own.

The work we do is only for our love for Jesus in action, writes mother Teresa.  If we pray the work, if we do it to Jesus, if we do it for Jesus, if we do it with Jesus..that’s what make us content.”   Ann further comments, “That is what makes us content—the contented, deep joy is always in the touching of Christ—in whatever skin He comes to us in.”

“Living the broken way of abundance is not about what you love, it’s about who you love.  And Jesus is always who we love.”  Ann Voskamp


If God has put something on your heart, begin to pray and ask him how He wants  you to help.  Here is one statistic to pray about and perhaps He is calling you to help?

In Michigan, there are 13,000 children who need loving foster homes while the state works to reunite them safely with their parents or find adoptive homes.

Blessings in Christ,


Summer is here

I am taking a moment to share a little update with all of you amazing people that have been on this journey with us!  

The school year has come to a close and now we enter a calmer season in our lives.  We have a ton of appointments these next few weeks and have lots of home projects, cleaning and organizing to get done this summer.  In addition, I have been called for jury duty for July and August. I am not particularly thrilled about that, but thankful that they delayed it for me from last fall so that Ron can be home.  We are also looking forward to a trip up north and some other fun things we have planned.  The boys are starting to have memories of fun things we did last summer and are excited about these events happening again!

The boys have adjusted well overall and we are giving thanks for the Lord’s provision in every way.  Each of them will have appointments at the U of M to do a psychological evaluation of the past trauma they have endured.  Sometimes others see them managing so well, that they forget all that has happened to them in their short little lives. Children can be very resilient, but we are praying we can find some good support to help them in their hidden pain.  It is how Christ is healing the broken and binding up their wounds.

I am now in counseling and will be for a while.  My therapist shared with me that I am the container for the whole family’s “junk.” Some days I must recognize I am carrying someone else’s junk and release that to the Lord.  Please know that so many of you have been so supportive to us these past 5 years in a myriad of ways and we so appreciate it and give thanks to the Lord for it. We have really had to pull back and focus on our main priorities right now.  

  1. Our personal walks with the Lord
  2. Our marriage (we walk each night and are going on a monthly date!)
  3. Our children

Some forget about how many children we have which means we have a lot of needs to meet and daily tasks to care for.  This is also why I have pretty much removed myself from facebook. It was certainly contributing to my depression as well as being a time waster, not that I spent a lot of time there, but the time I did took away much needed emotional space and quiet. I have found great peace in this decision.  And lately I have started to feel times and moments where I “feel like myself” again.

Some of you may know that the Lord has lead us to a church that is multicultural with more diversity.  It is very important for our adopted sons to have mirrors in their lives. They actually at one point thought any black person they saw was from Haiti.  The church we are attending has a black lead pastor and we have found Vineyard a great blessing for us. Josh and Abi continue to attend Knox, but occasionally join us.  

My dad broke his hip back in February and had surgery and is now home and doing well.

Lastly, I would like to share an opportunity with you.  So many of you have been so generous with us in our fundraising efforts and I would like to share about a young couple who have been called to adopt as well that could use financial and prayer support. Travis and Natalie Keller have recently taken in a young boy through foster care and also are adopting one or two children from South Africa.  If you pray and feel lead to join in this call for them, please follow the you caring link at the end of this post. This will also take you to their blog, where you can read their story.

In my reading about adoption I have seen that a big and common reason many Christians choose not to adopt even after they have felt God nudge at their heart to do that is the finances.

I will say from personal experience trying to write for grants and fundraise is a job in itself.  Natalie and Travis both already work full time and anything you donate helps them be able to bring home their child or children.  The stress of paperwork and all the preparation is so trying that it was always such a blessing to receive a gift to reassure us of God’s call and His amazing provision and was so much simpler than applying for a ton of grants!

Might you help them in this call? “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.” James 1:27

Please pray for them and please pray for us.

Love, Michelle

2 Corinthians 8:1-9 The Message (MSG)

The Offering

1-4 Now, friends, I want to report on the surprising and generous ways in which God is working in the churches in Macedonia province. Fierce troubles came down on the people of those churches, pushing them to the very limit. The trial exposed their true colors: They were incredibly happy, though desperately poor. The pressure triggered something totally unexpected: an outpouring of pure and generous gifts. I was there and saw it for myself. They gave offerings of whatever they could—far more than they could afford!—pleading for the privilege of helping out in the relief of poor Christians.



Falling Down…

I try to sneak out for a daily jog.  A few times I have taken a spill.  Sometimes there is a reason like a bumped up side walk, other times I just fall.  The one common aspect of these falls is the first thing I do after the fall.  I look around to see if anyone saw me.  Why?  I am guessing it is my pride. No one likes to be seen “falling”.  I mean how many of us would post a picture of us falling on facebook?  For some reason it doesn’t seem to be a common thing amongst believers to admit their failures and to be broken.  Ann Voskamp asks a thought provoking question:

 “What if the church was a place where our most broken places could be seen and we were loved in those broken places?”

I can’t quite imagine a place like that.  It sounds like heaven.

I think that most of my life, most Christians that I have met have pretended to have no problems, no real sins.  It has never really felt that I could be real with my struggles.  Until now, as I have no option.  I have no way to pretend anymore.  I am a messed up , broken human so very much in need of a God that knows what it is like to be wounded, rejected and feel fear.  Scott Peck points out “How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded!”  Why do we do this?

“A bruised reed He will not break…” Matthew 12:20

In the above verse the reed is an emblem of feebleness, of the soul broken and contrite on account of sin, weeping and mourning for transgression.”  And yet the Lord will not break it, or be severe, he will not be unforgiving or cruel.  He will heal it, pardon it, and give it strength.  Somehow it is in this place of brokenness, of our falling down, that He sees us.  It is in our very place of weakness we are made strong in Him. Back in November I came to that ultimate place of brokenness.  I call it my dark night of the soul, my garden of Gethsemane, in which I asked of the Lord, “can this cup pass from me?” The answer was no.

“All my brokenness is a whisper that I do not belong and every time I don’t feel like I belong, the Scarred and rejected God whispers, “come here my beloved.” Ann Voskamp

God has a way of taking care of our pride if we are letting him “mess with us” as Tim Mackie would say.  Being a follower of Jesus is so very hard: taking the narrow gate costs us.  In Martin Luther King Jr.’s last speech before his assassination he gave a stunning commentary on the story of the Good Samaritan.  He said,

 “ And so the first question that the priest asked, the first question that the Levite asked was, ‘If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?’

“But then the Good Samaritan came by, and he reversed the question: ‘If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?’”

Something does happen to us when we are obedient to God’s call.  And yet in comes the paradox of the Kingdom, “If I spend myself in love for your benefit; it looks like I loose, but actually I win” Tim Mackie. Somehow my loss in this world is transformed in the here and now for another’s benefit and in the Kingdom that He has asked us to pray to come.

We have a savior who won by dying, so why should we be surprised when He says:  Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:39)

As Ann Voskamp says, “We each carry an unspoken broken.”  My prayer is that we each can find a way to find and speak our unspoken broken with Him.

And there we find our battle to struggle our self-will.  The brokenness somehow moves this process along.  We no longer have a self-will.  Somehow our will becomes replaced with His.

A line from a prayer by Thomas Keating:

“In the greatest of labors, the struggle of self-surrender, You are our repose—-our peace in the depths of our souls.” 

In each day of hard, I would not trade it for this gift I have found:  Him, Jesus, lover of my soul, closer each day and in every way.   I need you so very much Jesus. Amen.

Merry Christmas!


Merry Christmas to each of you!  As 2017 comes to a close we have much to give thanks for!

Luke and Paige:  Luke and Paige got married on November 4, 2017.  What a great day! Luke graduated from the University of Toledo with honors in Mechanical Engineering on December 17th.  They currently reside in Toledo.

Abi:  Abi is commuting to Eastern Michigan University full time, nannying, helping with the youth group, and dating a guy named Matt she met at Knox who also works with the youth group.

Kaiti:  Kaiti is also commuting to Eastern Michigan University majoring in Art and minoring in Children’s literature.  She worked at Busch’s this past summer.

Josh:  Josh is a freshmen in High School, he played Soccer and is currently playing basketball. Josh is very active in his youth group.

Robenson:  Robenson is in 8th grade and is working hard on getting caught up in his school work.  He played soccer in the spring on a travel team and would like to play for the school in the fall.

Anna:  Anna is in 6th grade and played soccer in the spring and fall, and does running with the Polar bear club.

Samson:  Samson is in 5th grade, played soccer in the spring, and got baptized in December.

Jimmy:  Jimmy is in third grade, played soccer in the spring and also got baptized in December.

Ally:  Ally is in second grade, played soccer in the Spring and loves to draw.

Ricardo:  Ricardo is in first grade and played soccer in the Spring .

Ella:  Ella is four now and loves to do :”homework when her siblings are doing theirs.  She loves to be read to and loves to play with whatever sibling is currently availiable.

To say the past year has been hard would be an understatement.  Ron and I both agree it has probably been one of the hardest, if not the the hardest year of our lives.  We have had to dig deep in our walks with the Lord to find the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual strength to make it through the days.  That having been said it has also been a year of extreme joy.  Kaiti graduating, Luke and Paige getting married, the boys each stating how they want to “go with God”, the love that the children are learning in hard days, the peace that comes when you know it is the Lord that has given you the right perspective or attitude.  And many days feeling His unconditional love when we fail.   We both agree we would not want to have to redo this past year, but we are thankful that somehow we made it through.

We continue to covet your prayers for perspective, wisdom and discernment.

Jesus came to become one of us….

Luke 4:16-19

16And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up. And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read. 17And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

18“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Blessings, The Schaffner Family